When A Friendship Is No Longer Friendly

Friendship plays a significant role in our lives. Having friends can help prevent isolation and increase our sense of belonging. For some, making friends is difficult, which makes it more desirable to maintain the friendships already established especially if it is a lifelong friendship. Friends are there during good times and bad times, which creates deep bonds and this can lead to friends feeling like family.

What happens when a friendship is no longer working and those bonds begin to break? As the years pass, people often grow and change. People who once had many things in common may find that those shared commonalities are no longer there as time goes by. Sometimes people change in profound ways that dramatically affect the way they choose to live their lives and in turn break the bonds that once held the friendship together. This is especially common when one friend goes on a spiritual journey while the other friend does not. Differences can become glaring and it can be hard for both people as differences become more obvious.

When a friendship stops being healthy, what can we do? This is where the concept of “conscious unfriending” can be helpful. Conscious unfriending is the decision to step away from the friendship in the most honest way possible while acting with integrity and respecting the friendship. It is important to remember that even though the friendship no longer serves your best interests, at one time, it was a cherished relationship and consciously unfriending honors the relationship you once had.

I would like to share a story with you from my personal experience. I made a friend in the 2nd grade who was my life long BFF. We are going to call this friend Jane. Jane and I were like sisters. I truly loved her. Our bond was incredibly deep. She was always there for me and vice versa. We even have sons that are three days apart in age.

Time passed, I changed, and we grew apart. I still loved her, but her personal choices conflicted greatly with my personal beliefs to the point where the friendship was greatly affecting my mental health. I needed a break from our friendship for my own sanity however, I felt incredibly guilty as Jane had been there my entire life especially when things were really bad. She was the one person in my life that I could fully trust no matter what. I felt like the worst kind of human for wanting to distance myself from Jane.

I had many feelings and emotions that I needed to process through. I came to the realization that even though this woman was like family to me, the friendship was causing more harm than good. I didn’t know how to separate from my friend, but I also knew that I respected her and did not want to have a fight with her to end the friendship. This was when I came up with the concept of conscious unfriending.

I decided that I needed to be honest with her. I could tell her my truth in the gentlest and most empathetic way possible. Now, I am going to be honest, she was taken by surprise and the end of the friendship did hurt her, as it would hurt anyone. The upside was that she had closure. I gave her all of the information she needed so she wasn’t left guessing why I needed to take a break from the friendship. I shared with her the places in our lives that no longer aligned and was very clear in communicating why I came to the decision that I did. I do want to mention that when you are sharing why you are choosing to consciously unfriend that you use “I statements” and refrain from being accusatory. Remember, we want to be as empathetic as possible which means that we take responsibility for our own actions and decisions. This should not be an opportunity to tell your friend everything you believe they have done wrong. That will not serve any useful purpose and is unnecessarily hurtful.

It is also important to keep in mind that your friend might react emotionally and it is important for you to remain calm and maintain your composure and remember that you have had time to process this. They have not. Do not engage in an argument, but rather let this person know that you understand that they are surprised, hurt, etc. and offer to give them some time to process through what has happened. It is ok to end the conversation and remove yourself from the situation or ask for a break if the conversation becomes escalated or too emotional.

Even though it may be difficult, it is ok to step away from a relationship that is no longer in your best interest. We do not need to feel guilty about choosing to no longer spend time with someone. You do have the option of using this technique for taking temporary time outs in the friendship as well. It doesn’t have to be a permanent unfriending.

This technique can be used to end romantic relationships as well. This is referred to as “conscious uncoupling”. The most important thing to remember is the “Golden Rule”, treat others as you wish to be treated. Always try to see the other person’s perspective and put yourself in their shoes.

I hope this article is helpful and provides you with a new perspective. Thank you for reading! Please consider sharing this article if you found it helpful 🙏🏻